Thoughts.

I know, I had abandoned this blog for a long long long time.

Just that nothing in particular crosses my thought, deep enough to update this. (call me shallow. =) )

Anyway, four years ago, around this period of time, was where I beginning to thought about career. Why? That's when I was still in matriculation thinking about university application.

Nevertheless that I was clearly reminded that the education system in Malaysia doesn't really allow the much flexibility to determine the course that I'm getting into, but there's always thoughts.

My mind was playing around with the thought of being a nutritionist, an architect, a chemist and many more, as I am like many other teenager not knowing what I want to be in the future.

My nature of being quiet around strangers or even elderly doesn't help much. Much things learned are never from conversation, most from observation and thinking process, funnily.

Although, I later noticed this in me, but I couldn't change much, because most of the time, I don't even bother.

No guidance whatsoever, landed me in an engineering course in UM, which happened to be my first choice. I don't even know whether I should call myself lucky or what, for such a privileged given to a non-bumi and on the other hand, I don't even remember what made me listed that course as my first choice. I guess, I was just a lost little girl and I think I still am.

Now, 4 years passed and just another semester to complete my degree(*pray hard i didn't fail any subject), but I still don't know what to do.

I tried my best, I worked during the last 3 long semester break, just to get some exposure into the options that I have after graduating. I'm indeed still lost.

Funny, how I always hear about finding your passion and even preached about it some point of my life.

Should I start worrying now?

To hell with it'

I realized I haven't been blogging for a while.

So much to say, and don't know where to start.

And I hereby wish that the person who broke my car window, stole my bag and scare the hell out of me, live longer than anyone in the world through "not an easy life".

I sometimes wish to just isolate myself from the world and society, don't care a single shit of what is going on out there.

Just hide under my small lil' world, and they don't bother me no more.

Move to a place where no one would know me and remain the same till i die.

It could all be easier.

The other day, I was in the market, and i decided on nasi lemak from my favorite stall sold by a malay couple. Then someone made a statement, why buy from the malays, got chinese stall instead. I stared blankly, still trying not to offend the racist someone, i said i like the curry better.

Funny how people thinks, and i wonder if they do.

Funny how some part of the world does not evolved after years, some part of people never grew.

Minds are still so limited, as if like the lightning that would choose the taller tree, randomly, as their target. Hit them so hard, they'll fall into pieces, burnt.

They taught me how to work for what i want, and how to fight for it.

So kill me if you can, I'm giving up on truth and honesty, I'm choosing happiness.

=)

Fourth.

Imagine if there's an event where your whole life would be reflected on.

You were there watching everyone that you touches upon in your life. but none felt your physical existence.

Sometimes you will see them sobbing, alone, hiding their face, worried sometimes, that someone might see them.

Just imagine, your whole life would be there.

Sometimes laughter crack the silent atmosphere, sometimes the monk's chant are like music to your ears.

A mixture of emotion, sometimes happy, sometimes not, sometimes you feel like laughing along, sometimes not, sometimes you would want to wipe their tears, but you just can't, no matter how hard you try.

Imagine, all that that's matter in your life are right there with you.

To laugh or to cry, is when you realize all those that you're trying to achieve in your whole life, aren't necessary the most important thing, to the matter of fact, it's useless.

What lies in front of you, people that you might have neglected, you might have hurt, but the end of the day are the people that will remember and cherish every moment they have with you, through life and death.

After all we're all born the same way, a plain canvas. Painted by you and many around you. Slap a splash of paint on other canvas and they'll do the same. Often many wonders, when their picture is not painted their way, think again, you must not be always right.

If I could quote and copy, yet change, I'll say "think, un-think and re-think"

Sunday.

Thank you those who came for rescue. I really really appreciate it, I do. =)

It's sunday morning now, and I'm suppose to be asleep, my holiday will end as soon as Tuesday where I'll start my first day of internship.

But along the way back from gym earlier just now, I had weird cravings for kopi peng, stopped by at the chinese coffee shop just outside my place to "tapau" a packet of old good coffee, iced.

Yea, and that had kept me awake till now.




My blog had been a place for me to voice my thoughts, and I guess that is why it always sounds sappy, when I pondered too much about life.

Although I clearly know that no one on earth would be able to come up to me and says he/she know every single thing about life and being able to answer my 100 and one questions, I still asked cause I'll never stop being curious.

But something, somewhere reminded me just now, to not just wasting time planning ahead for tomorrow and forgot about living today.

I guess I should focus on what is happening rather than what is going to happen.

One could only have a thousand plans but a single path I guess.

I had a happy Saturday, and Sunday will be too.

So join me.

=)

PS.

Plain.

I'm writing for a post again at the oddest moment. =)

Will be having my second last paper tomorrow morning.

Looking forward to the last paper on Saturday, and there it went, 3 years of university education. (that if I pass all my subjects)

Something got me thinking lately about what I'm planning to do after I graduate, which I don't know.

I realized I never really had a "concrete" dream. Most of the time just a follower, which my interest doesn't last me long. Remember the time where you use to have your performance report back in primary and secondary school and they always had this column for ambition. I used to had a hard time filling it up and ended up making up occupation that I don't even know what the are doing.

I have a problem of not asking, I hate to ask, or worst, I'm afraid to ask, to know. I realize, I've been pushing myself but it's all just superficial, nothing got into me.

21 turning 22 is not exactly a good age of not knowing what to do I think.

But all my life, my only inspiration and drive towards working hard and improving myself is seeing how my mother worked to support us and living in the environment where money is always a problem to them despite how all the hardship that they had and still going through.

It's tiring looking at them helplessly and I really wish upon a day where I could generously helped them all. All, which is almost impossible.

I've, then, chosen a course that is Science based convincing myself of a bright, promising future, or at least a secured job.

It got me wondering if I'm working to be myself or just working to be out of all these.

My consolation is to try anything that I can and find something that I might probably love or just like doing, but now, 22, 20 years later, what if I'm still searching?

To the path that I'm heading to right now, and the rate of being directionless, I'm just afraid I might fall into that trap, of believing money is everything and nothing is better than money mentality. I've seen some example, I hate that and I don't want to be a hypocrite.






Help.

A trip back to childhood.

I haven't updated in a while because I can't really think of what to write.


Life has been kind to me, aside from rushing for assignment, lab reports, presentation and study for tests one after another, everything else seems to fall into the right place.

But it was quite a "stress test"(read: test where degree of inclination and speed increases over time, means it get difficult over time) ever since the last post.


And now life is finally giving me a little break. Not exactly cause it is suppose to be a study week, and my lecturer still teaching.

See the reason why i don't want to write, cause I'll tend to complain when i don't have to, really.


Thus, I have decided to attached some pictures into the post instead.


Last trip back home in Taiping...

My "kampung"(grandma's house), the place where I grew up, it was much livelier back then, lots more kids around, evening playtime, flying kite, guli and all those that you could think of, in every other day.

This is the path we walk on. Just pebbles and water when it is rainy season.

Believe it or not, this used to be a basketball hoop my cousins build when I was younger. But I wonder how we bounced the ball on sand la.

How I missed those days. We treated flood as a game, shouting at each other across the window trying to imagine we're living on the river. Then we main "hantu-hantu" and being a cry baby, I cried because I got scared and got my grandma scolding my cousins and friends instead. How stupid and innocent more you could be?

And of course, again, I wouldn't want to grow up, but in reality things are not always as smooth as expected. When I left my bad tempered and stubbornness along the path all of the sudden, i realized I've need to learn to say no. I've need to learn to stand up for myself instead of letting people around me, twist and throw me around. I wonder if it's a process of growing up. Maybe, maybe just part of me.

and finally,

I've got my hair short again! =P

a little by lil

The day I stood still, watching the time passes by,

wandering away, brought my memories,

a little by lil, back into my thoughts

The day I broke down, with shots of chemicals,

bringing me out, from within myself,

a little by lil, into the world of yours

The day I watched you, and the sorrow in your eyes,

heart pounding still, touching you, feeling you,

a little by lil, I try to understand why

The day I made my mark, taking a different path,

pushing through the memories, that had kept me apart,

a little by lil, I took the step one

The day I heard from you, what had been told is just the truth,

I took some time and stepped backward, waiting for you to lead,

a little by lil, to the light that is shining through

The day I feel my heart, that I had doubt a thousand years,

as if I've found myself, bleeding through it all,

a little by lil, trust falls in the right path


Memories remain unkept, as there will be so much more,

the day will come and I would not let go,

and here I sat in silence, with solace from a turning fan,

as what I need is not maturity, but only a boy who would grow up with me,

a little by lil, we will learn why

*

It's funny how I tried to update my blog so many times, and yet I can't really finish any of them.



There's like so many drafts in my account right now, I can't even remember how to continue them really.



I wanted to write about my mom, and how she's trying to give us a life that she never had.



How she scarifies the opportunities for love, and how she give in adapted to the nature of the society back then. and how confused a family she was from. and the uncountable ups and downs in her life.

Then I realized it's quite impossible to put all that into words.

And most importantly, along the line, I realized that life is not really about the choices you make.

Or the path you took.

It's more like the ways you see things and make the most out of the choices that you made.

It's like how so many of us fall into the rat race mentality. Like how so many people can be rich, literally, but still never stop. Like it's their only reason of life.

*and here comes the part where I do not know how to end my post.

so, whatever it is.

fresh.

had been doing spring cleaning these two days. then this afternoon, it's time to clean my room.

rearranged my stuff. overlooking. past memories. some photos back in secondary schools. some books. novel, notes from tayloring classes I took for fun, oh, and i even found one of those log book, autobiography book or whatever you call it, some letters, mostly from the parcel that i received back in Malacca (somehow didn't manage to throw them), printed pictures from the japanese looking instant photo machine (i swear i was forced to be in the picture) and all those small little pressie and sugarcube. =)

life was really simpler back then. one day you could be really close to one person, another day you completely ignore each other over silly little things. at times you don't even have to think.

funny how things wasn't painful at all. why does life get more serious as you grow older?
every decision that you will make will leave a stroke of paint on your life canvas.

One thing that I've regretted was that I've been thinking and deciding with my brain over the past year. Ignoring my feelings sometimes. And I've realized now how much difference it feels. It feels right now. I don't want it to be just memories, be it good or bad.

I'm in fact naturally an introvert. I don't talk much. I can't even express myself well. I kept myself hidden somewhere most of the time.

It's hard to break the shell. Bear with me. I just needed more time. Cause I really want to mean it when I say it.

Zombie.

why do I always shed tears whenever I try to close my eyes and shut my mind?

it's weird. And confusing, whenever I try to understand my own feelings.

forced. hate. love. struggle. it's just a simplification to something so much more.

sometimes I wonder how do we really categorize.

Maybe beyond all these words, we share nothing similar.

we see through different pair of eyes, feel through different type of souls.

and all we share is a common language that describe all different thing from one another.

it's like red might be red to you but might be your green to another person, who took that as red.

then if we linked red to bold or sexy, and then one thing links to another and another and another.

that's how I confuse myself sometimes.

2008.

yes, yes. So what if I'm watching "family guy" while having colourful soft jelly strips.

Oh, Happy new year everyone. First post for year 2008.

So, 2007 was a year where I decided to end what doesn't feels right and decided I deserve more.

2007 was a year where I went all out to avoid anything that doesn't feels right. and it wasn't not right, now that I'm clear.

2007 was a year where at first I thought I would rather spend on study. 2007 became a year where I, in the midway, feels that studying is not the most important thing in life.

2007 was a year where I have also decided to take up heavier responsibilities in an organization that had changed me quite personally.

2007 was also a year when later I've learnt that it's not possible for me to be with a person who have all the quality you wanted, rich, promising career, and other overload of good qualities, but it has to lie on something more. So now I realized that simply marrying a millionaire and be happy with it is not an option for me.

2007 resolution that I've promised myself has been kept.

2007 was a exciting year. A year where I've learn to fall but knowing that there will be people behind me that will not let me fall.


That's why I guess, stealing and keeping the "7" might just be able to help us to do greater in "8".

Yes, you know what I mean.