*

It's funny how I tried to update my blog so many times, and yet I can't really finish any of them.



There's like so many drafts in my account right now, I can't even remember how to continue them really.



I wanted to write about my mom, and how she's trying to give us a life that she never had.



How she scarifies the opportunities for love, and how she give in adapted to the nature of the society back then. and how confused a family she was from. and the uncountable ups and downs in her life.

Then I realized it's quite impossible to put all that into words.

And most importantly, along the line, I realized that life is not really about the choices you make.

Or the path you took.

It's more like the ways you see things and make the most out of the choices that you made.

It's like how so many of us fall into the rat race mentality. Like how so many people can be rich, literally, but still never stop. Like it's their only reason of life.

*and here comes the part where I do not know how to end my post.

so, whatever it is.

fresh.

had been doing spring cleaning these two days. then this afternoon, it's time to clean my room.

rearranged my stuff. overlooking. past memories. some photos back in secondary schools. some books. novel, notes from tayloring classes I took for fun, oh, and i even found one of those log book, autobiography book or whatever you call it, some letters, mostly from the parcel that i received back in Malacca (somehow didn't manage to throw them), printed pictures from the japanese looking instant photo machine (i swear i was forced to be in the picture) and all those small little pressie and sugarcube. =)

life was really simpler back then. one day you could be really close to one person, another day you completely ignore each other over silly little things. at times you don't even have to think.

funny how things wasn't painful at all. why does life get more serious as you grow older?
every decision that you will make will leave a stroke of paint on your life canvas.

One thing that I've regretted was that I've been thinking and deciding with my brain over the past year. Ignoring my feelings sometimes. And I've realized now how much difference it feels. It feels right now. I don't want it to be just memories, be it good or bad.

I'm in fact naturally an introvert. I don't talk much. I can't even express myself well. I kept myself hidden somewhere most of the time.

It's hard to break the shell. Bear with me. I just needed more time. Cause I really want to mean it when I say it.